Death to the Stars
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: Twenty years after the First Contact War, an asari accepts a drink from a handsome human stranger. Just a simple drink. What could possibly go wrong? More than you know. That drink will lead to unseen consequences for both their races, and perhaps just bring death to the stars themselves. Because a harvest is coming, and the end is near... NarutoxTevosxharem. Crackish, humour.
1. A Night to Remember

**A/N: Alright ladies and gentlmen, good news and bad news. Good news first. I'm fresh out of my SECOND surgery-hurts like hell!-and I'm back again! I've been on an updating spree as of late, and finally had time to answer a request. ****I managed to put this up here at points between the forced anesthetic. Bad news is I still have more surgeries ahead and I recently caught an infection in the form of the flu. Still, I'm feeling a bit better now. Really. ****I'm hanging tough though, having just come out of my first surgery...with two more to go! UUUUUGH! I'm on painkillers almost daily and I feel like crap, as to that effect. But nevertheless, despite this pesky little hiccup-I wanted to get word out any way I could, and since for some strange reason the site is being buggy, I wasnt able to work on this anywhere near as much as I would've liked. **

**Still...I'm alive. And good news! Today's my birthday! I'm officially twenty-four years old! Hehehe XD So...**

**...away we go!**

_"All debts **will** be paid._

_~?_

**Prologue**

In all her years as Asari Councilor of the Citadel- nay, perhaps, in her entire _lifetime_ Tevos had never blacked out before. Granted she was no stranger to violence, having claimed her current role after taking down her corrupt predeccessor some centuries before, but this...Tevos couldn't even find the words for it. It was as if last night simply did not exist. Memories were slow in coming back to her; she dimly recalled preparing what would have been a damning rebuttal on the part of some scandal or another. She couldn't recall the specifics. The last thing she remembered was a dashing young human offering her a drink, and then nothing. Any of her attempts to recall the events of last night beyond that were met with blinding agony in the base of her skull. It could best be described as a...

_Hangover._

She'd drunk her fair share of drinks before, but she couldn't recall the last time someone had been able to drink her under the table.

"By the Goddess my _head..."_ Tevos groaned at the sound of her own voice and scratched her head tentacles. A dull explosion resounded somewhere beyond her range of vision; she prayed it was just her imaginations, playing tricks on her, because if it wasn't...

Within this very moment, all she knew was the lingering taste of Asari wine on her tongue and the pounding headache in her ears like the drums of a great hunt out for her blood. It certainly didn't help that she was all but naked, her violet body bare as the day she'd been born into this world. Wait-if she wasn't wearing anything, then where were her-ah. A percursory glance confirmed that her clothes were indeed scattered all across the bedroom floor; well that certainly didn't leave much to the imagination.

Somewhere beyond she could hear the sounds of shuffling footseps on the floor, the occasional grunt of exertion as her supposed bedmate set himself to whatever he was doing.

"Good morning, councilor." The voice of her VI chimed from the nearby desk, "As per your earlier instructions, I have granted _Captain_ Naruto access to the arms locker."

_"What?"_

Tevos bolted upright with a start, just in time for the sharp crack of a gunshot to fill her ears, immediately followed by a squeal of pain. Only slightly muffled by the door, the sound sent shivers shooting down her spine, a tingle of dread worming its way through her lungs and into her heart. What the devil was going on back there...?

Snagging a seamless white robe from a nearby rack, the Asari gathered herself up, snatched up the pistol she always kept concealed beneath her pillows, and made her way to the high-security door that separated her bedroom from the rest of her apartment. A few swift strokes across the keypad sent the panel whisking backwards, exposing her to the open air of her quarters.

What she saw there caused her violet face to darken in anger, her normally placid expression turning thunderous as she beheld the sordid state of her living room.

_Her home was in shambles._ The scope of it was unreal. Entire portions of the floor had been scorched by flames by heavy weapons; sizeable chunks of the ceiling were missing where someone had blasted their way into her home, doubtlessly rappelled their way in before being dealt with. That she'd slept through it was something of a small miracle. Or had it occurred last night, during their drunken debauchery? Somehow the idea that it might be former-that the sordid state of her quarters might be her own fault-galled Tevos more than anything else. Everything was in shambles, beyond her room she couldn't see anything that hadn't been dented-or shattered or outright broken.

A stray glance confirmed her private extranet terminal was a smoldering ruin as well. But that wasn't even the half of it; that was when she saw the corpses.

"Goddess...

Roughly a dozen bodies littered the floors and walls, some ground to gory smears, others missing entire arms and legs. In some cases even heads had gone missing, remarkably intact despite the catastrophe that had claimed her room. She'd expected them to be human; this was after all, nearly the _twentieth _anniversay of the First Contact War. But not a single one amongst them bore that distinction. She could see a salarian crumpled down a few yards out amidst the carnage, distinguishable only by the horns of his head. And was that an Asari over yonder? Strange. Stranger still was the krogan she saw crumpled in the corner; it looked as though someone had quite literally beaten his brains in. No mean feat, considering their armored hides.

That was when she saw it.

Each and every one of these so-called guns for hire, from that eviscerated salarian to the crushed krogan, wore uniforms. But not just any unfiforms. _Blue and white uniforms. T_hat distinct paint-job belonged to a very specific brand of merc, one that had no business being her on the Citadel. _Blue Suns. _Tevos stilled in her strides, torn between announcing her prescence and once more wondering what the hell was going on here. Yet it was the burning desire for knowledge that won out in the end, and she found herself taking refuge behin the couuch.

What were they doing here? Tevos knew for a fact that this particular gang tended to operate out of the Terminus Systems, not in council space. Evidently they'd decided to pay a visit to the Citadel...

One such mercenary was still alive, a garrish looking turian feebly trying crawl away from the slaughter of his comrades. Looked as though he might make it, too. At least it did, until a biotic pulse flew out of nowhere to _throw_ him halfway across the room through a chandelier and down up a flight of stairs, bringing him that much closer to Tevos's position. He lay for what felt like an eternity, groaning, struggling to rise, to claw his way across the carpet to freedom. He almost made it. But that whas when it happend.

Something heavy and unseen slammed down into his back, pinning him to the floor.

"An where the hell do ya think yer going?" A rough voice hissed out of the empty room, the words sending a tingle of familiarity shooting down the Asari's spine.

Tevos poked her head out cover just long enough to try and catch a glimpse out of the one who had spoken.

Currently the one responsible for this onesided massacre_-and quite possibly her life-_could now be seen reclining against the far wall of her apartment, his lightly armored body slowly emerging from a well-placed tactical cloak. A single glance confirmed that this was, in fact, the human she'd shared a drink with last night. Only he hadn't been wearing armor then. It was a mesmerizing sight all things considered; the sapphire and saffron plates meshing with his slender form, contrasting sharply withing his blond hair. An infiltrator, then? But that had clearly been a display of biotics just now...

"Leave me the hell alone!" The turian growled, but his words were lacking in rancour.

"I didn't hear you say please."

Bright blue eyes glittered with wry amusement, those whiskered cheeks pulled taut in a smile he couldn't quite keep off his face as he leaned forward, applying pressure to the victim. He seemed perversely pleased with himself as he pushed off the wall, allowing his captive to try and squirm free. A swift boot to the ribs disaibused it of that notion in an instant, leaving the avian-like alien writhing in pain. Before he could think to try and fight back, that same boot pressed down on his throat, denting the armor and crushing into his larynx.

"Please!" The turian begged, his earlier bravado evaporating as his oyxgen dwindled. "It was just a job! I didn't know it was you! I swear! I-I won't do it again!" His words were rewarded as the heel was taken from his neck. His relief soon proved to be short-lived, however.

"No," Tevos froze as he the man levered his pistol-a Carnifex by the look of it-and pressed it's barrel to the Turian's forehead. "You won't." Its safety clicked off, a quiet percursor of what was to come. "You got any last words, Glavus, or are you just going to squeal? Ya have until the count of three. One."

Apparently, the turian known as Glavus _did_ have last words. Tevos listened intently, her attention never wavering from the mercenary and his captive.

"You can't do this to me, kid! Remember all the good times we had!"

"Can, and will." the man quietly replied, his composure never wavering, the gun never leaving the turian's headplate, even for an instant. "Two."

"I told you about Vido!" He was pleading now, his voice piquing, rising with distress. "Where he was! That _has_ to count for something!"

A muscle jumped in the blonde's jaw.

"Yeah, and I'm sure Zaeed'll put some flowers on yer grave when he gets finished killing him. And on that note..._three."_

The turian's mandibles started to twitch, feeling that he knew what was coming next. He closed his eyes, preparing himself for the immediatey of pistol fire, but immediately felt pain coming from his left leg, the target of one lone shot. He cried in agony, tilting over as his leg gave out, unable to maintain his balance while his arms were restrained. Tevos winced as the blond looked to line up another shot, only to change his mind and pistol-whip the turian into unconcsiousness at the last second. His body slumped to the ground line a boneless hanar and lay there, unmoving.

The mercenary grunted, apparently satisfied with his work.

"Godamn bosh'tet." the drawl of his words had a distinct Japanese quality to them, that was all she noticed before those dazzling blue eyes cut to her, before a smile brightened those dour whiskered cheeks. "Ah, Tevos-chan. I trust you slept well? You'll have to excuse the mess-I'd wanted to clean this up before the authorities arrived but hey what a night, right? Erm, why are you hiding behind the couch?" Belatedly the asari cringed at that remark, realizing she hadn't ducked down back into cover after all. That was why she'd been seen. Now she blanched, his words overtaking her.

By the Goddess, this _had_ happened last night!

Realizing she had nothing to gain by staying hidden, Tevos tentatively stood from her cover.

"Nice robe." that earned a grin from him.

"I...you...what's going on here, exactly?" Tevos sputtered, her normally serene composure abandoning her as she struggled to remember the events of the earlier evening. "What happened last night?"

Impossibly, his smile grew another inch.

"You mean before or after the Ryncol?"

"Ryncol? I can't stand that-" As if to echo her disbelief a second portion of the ceiling caved in, crushing the sofa she'd just stepped away from and showering her in dust. There was a silence-one in which the asari fixed the human with a scathing stare.

"I can pay for that." he answered quickly.

"Not my point!" with that, Tevos's last vestige of self control snapped. "What's going on here?!"

The blond gave her a quizzical glance, indicating the chaos with a feigned shrug.

"So ya really _don't_ remember last night, not at all?" he admonished, feigning pain in his chest. "Oi oi oi, I'm hurt here, babe. Truly." His head cocked aside, he continued to stare at her. "Doesn't the name Naruto ring a bell? Uzumaki? Naruto? No?" He touched one hand to his wrist, summoning forth his omni-tool. "Well, Good thing I took the old man's advice and recorded the whole thing. Did a helluva job showing me the ropes a few years back, so naturallyy, I took his advice and started ta record. At least, I think I did."

"Really." She couldn't help but smile at his attempt at levity.

"Yes, yes, of course I did, it's not like I'm a krogan or some other_...aarrgh!_ Bosh'tet!" Naruto swore virulently as the orange deviced emitted a sound eerily equivalent to a human raspberry. He glanced up seconds later having realized his verbal gaffe. "Oops, sorry about that. When you hang out with quarians for a century or their language tends to rub off on ya, you know?" With that he returned his attention to the tool, determined to set things right.

Frowning, Tevos retreated slightly, keeping her hand on her pistol and her eyes glued to Naruto. He was calm and poised, but his muscles spoke of power ready to move without hesitation. A dangerous man. Was it just her, or did he seem to follow her every moment? Like a predator waiting to pounce.

"Hey, I'm not going to hurt you." He replied, "The Quarian's taught me _some _manners after all.

"Quarians?" Tevos felt she was getting further and further from the truth, but her curiosity was roused nevertheless.

"Did a few favors for 'em in exchange for some tech." He replied, glowering when his tool refused to function once more. "Come on, I can get this thing to _cloak_, but I can't pull up a simple data-feed...aha!" Triumphant at last, he called up what looked like a series of screenshots, taking from his hardsuit computer. "Have a look." With each passing image Tevos felt her corners of her mouth curl into a relieved smile; she hadn't made a fool of herself in public at least; it was only after she took the blond back to her place that she got stone cold drunk...the Blue Suns were a more recent occurrence, arriving only a few minutes before, likely the reasons she'd been roused to begin with.

"And, that's it." Naruto killed the omnitool with a flick of the wrist. "Took the liberty of calling C-sec, they'll probably be here soon-

"Wait."

He paused,

"How do you know the Blue Suns?"

"When you get blasted," he answered in perfect Asari, "thousands of years into the future, you tend to pick up on a few things. I've had a century or two to pick up on a few things. Used to work with them twenty years back, before a...change in management. There's a standing shoot on sight order for me where they concerned. Apparentely they decided to take me out. Again. So, I took them out first. And I've done my part by giving my friend the location of his old partner, so I'll be going. Didn't make any money on this job, either. Gotta keep the creds flowing-

"Wait."

Again he paused, this time a glimmer of annoyance in his eyes.

"What, you wanna another fuck or something?" He laughed. "You'd have to get me really drunk at this hour."

"As much as I'd like that, I have another idea."

"Do tell, love."

Tevos arched what accounted to an eyebrow among her kind, not at the statement, but at the chaos he caused. In an objective light his work was rather...fascinating. If he could wreak this much havoc on three squads of mercenaries alone, he'd make for one hell of a security detail. A private detail of course, and she wasn't quite sure what this business was about him being from the past, but, still...It certainly helped his case that he stood to be easy on the eyes.

"How would to work for me?" she offered.

He laughed then; it was a soft, throaty sound.

"How much ya willin' to pay?"

"Whatever it takes to keep this from happening to anyone else."

His grin would've sent even the most batttle-hardened commando squealing for their mother.

_"Girl, you just got yourself a bodyguard."_

**A/N: And there we go. Just what the hell did "this" Naruto do to make himself so infamous in the Mass Effect universe? I suppose that IS rather obvious isn't it but this is what I was asked to right, and it just seemed more natural to go with a flawed, albeit experienced Naruto rather than a greenhorn freshly arriving in the future, ya know? Having him take up a position as Tevos's bodyguard is going to prove much more than it seems down the road, as you'll soon see...he's going to have quite a sway with things...and as for his relationship with the Asari councilor, well that certainly couldn't hurt now could it? ****I can just imagine Naruto and Zaeed as best buddies in this fic lol expect quite a few changes!**

**So...in the immortal words of Atlas and myelf...**

**...Would you Kindly Review this Story for my Birthday?**

_**R&R! =D**_


	2. Hope in the Stars

**A/N: Alright ladies and gentlmen, good news! This story has returned! Bad news: I lost the last two chapters when my house flooded. That's right, I'm starting fresh all over again!**** But nevertheless, despite this pesky little hiccup-I wanted to get word out any way I could, and since for some strange reason the site is being buggy, I wasnt able to work on this anywhere near as much as I would've liked. **

**Still...I'm alive. So...**

**...away we go! And do try not to laugh yourself to death, dear reader. Cheers!**

_"Well ain't that a bitch..._

_~?_

**Hope in the Stars**

"You did _what?"_

These three words, spoken aloud by Sparatus, seemed to reverberate through the halls of the Citadel Tower like the echoing of a great and terrible gong. Harsh and deep and warbling, they radiated a subtle menacce that could make most anyone of any species quiver; even the staunchest soldier soil himself/herself in fear. Fortunately, Tevos thought, the man standing before them didn't seem to know the meaning of the word. A slow blink was the only indication he'd heard them at all.

"I've done a lot of things since I came to this galaxy." he answered. "You're going to have to be a little more specific."

"I was referring to your actions this morning."

Any attack on the station-even an indirect one- or a Councilor was enough invoke an emergency session of the Citadel Council. Moreso, that said attack had been successfully thwarted. Naruto would probably be vetted with full honours later for his deeds this morning, she mused. If he didn't manage to unilaterally piss off the other councilors. He seemed to be quite good at that.

As if echoing that very thought he chose to smile, exposing pearly white teeth. Tevos remembered that expression from their night together-an evening that was slowly returning to her in bits and pieces. This was not, she decided, a pleasant smile, it was the look of a man who saw prey in front of him and was debating whether or not he ought to mount in on his wall. When he finally opened his mouth to speak, she half-expected a snarl to leap from his lips. That smooth voice of his was completely unexpected:

"Oh. That. Th_at_ was nothing." came the simple if scathing reply, words mingling with the smoke of a freshly lit cigar. "Just took out about three merc companies in as many minutes ruined a perfectly good apartment and by the way, saved the pretty lilttle blue ass of your dear Asari Councilor over there ... all before breakfast." Blue eyes flitted to her face all of a heartbeat, elicting the faintest flush before shifting back to the irate turian. "She's got a nice one, by the way. Not like yours. Maybe it has something to do with that giant stick shoved up your shitter?"

"Insults aside," Sparatus' mandibles fluttered together in thinly veiled irritation, "You've already explained the why, but I'd very much like to know the _reasoning_ behind it. What, could possibly bring you to risk your life for a perfect stranger?" For a moment, Naruto looked as though he about to openly guffaw at the man. Instead, he snorted.

"Reason? What part of _I felt like it_ did you not understand, birdbrain? Did that godamn First Contact War not knock enough sense into you, eh?" That was a low blow and everyone in the room knew it. Tevos very nearly cringed at his lack of decorum. Twenty years might be enough to heal some wounds, but this one ran deeper than others.

The turian bristled.

"Now see here you little...! I am-

"I don't care who you are." Naruto answered, jerking a hand forward to point toward Tevos herself. "Only thing I care about is the fact that _she's_ paying me a ridiculous sum to make certain shit like this doesn't happen to this council again."

"Is this true?" Valern asked, his rotund eyes swiveling towards her. Time to play her part, then.

"I witnessed his skillset firsthand." she admitted aloud, keenly aware of their eyes on her, piercing, questioning. "He would put even our best guards to shame."

Sparatus sniffed. "We do not need some overpriced _goon_ to guard our-

Naruto cut him off with a swing of the hand.

"Not you, bub. _Her._ I don't do dudes. They're just not easy on the eyes, ya know? Speaking of which, betcha never heard this one before." Just like that, his face lit up. "What's the difference between a male turian and a female turian? Can't guess?" There was a stunned silence. Then, impossibly, his grin grew. "Nothing! Just the size of the pole!"

It took every fiber of Tevos' being not to laugh. Naruto seemed to have an inborn talent for getting under people's skin.

_I wouldn't mind him feeling those fingers on my skin again._ A small, sultry voice whispered in her mind. _Or in my head, anywhere else..._

Goddess!

Coloring, Tevos returned her attention the one-sided arguement raging between Naruto and Sparatus. Turian's didn't flush with anger, but the man appeared to be visibly trembling in an effort to control himself.

"Now see here-

Valern coughed suddenly, the sound ending their arguement before it could begin. his large eyes fluttering open and shut slowly.

"We have discussed the matter thoroughly already," he said. "This individual clearly has a higher skillset than most. Debating it will get us nowhere."

"The lizard's right." Naruto chuckled hoarsely. "You gonna talk all day bird-man, or are we gonna get shit done? I've got appointments to keep."

"It doesn't change the fact that he's a complete unknown!" Sparatus insisted! "We know virtually nothing about him, or this "universe" he claims to hail from. It could be a terrorist plot for all we know!"

For what felt like the umpteenth time in the last hour, Tevos resisted the urge to snap and biotically fling her Turian counterpart into the Presidium's lake. Consequences be damned but the old bird was really starting to get on her last nerve. He was...what was that human term? Ah. Like a dog with a bone! He simply refused to give the matter up. It didn't matter that the battered blond had submitted himself to a full security scan-that he had allowed C-Sec to rifle through all of his personal possessions-nor the fact that neither had turned up an incriminating evidence.

The mere fact that he stood here before them in full weapons and armor was excuse enough to irk the old warmonger. That Naruto continued to blatantly insult him at every turn was apparently cause for him to harass him to no end.

"Yeah, about that." he shot back, smiling. "If I really wanted to kill you I would._ Like this."_

It was also reason enough for her bodyguard to move. Literally. One moment he'd stood there before them below on the balcony silently shaking his head. The next there came a flash of golden light, and a muttering of something -Hiraishin, was it?- and he was amongst them. Valern jerked backwards with a yelp, eyes abulging at the sudden intrusion of their space. But he wasn't the target. Clenched, armored knuckles flew forward in a blur of black and orange and Sparatus fell back on his ass, mouth agape, clutching at a fractured mandibl. Tevos herself was equally perplexed.

He'd passed through the barrier protecting them as though it were _nothing. _But he did not attack.

What he did was much worse, and in her opinion, infinitely more amusing.

"I'll have your head for this, human!" The turian was shrieking at Naruto now, slurring over the words in a rage as he fought to find his footing. "I will-

"You will do nothing. Because you _are_ nothing," he replied pleasantly, hauling the furious Sparatus off the ground up into the air and bodillly shoving him up against a wall. "You are not what you own. You are not what you have achieved. And you are not a threat to me. I could kill you with a _blink_ before you have time to call your guards if my employer deemed it was neccessary." He cocked his head asides at her, the motion almost comical in its intensity. "Will it be neccessary?"

Tevos shook her head. Naruto smirked and dropped the troublesome turian on his ass.

"See? I'm loyal to my employer." he chuckled. "Helps that she's easy on the eyes, too."

Sparatus snarled and glowered at him, as though he could somehow burn holes through his head with his eyes alone.

"Go ahead and try to see through me." the mercenary barked out a harsh laugh. "Do it...if you can."

As her compatriot stared slackjawed, Tevos felt her lip curl in an instinctive display of amusement. "I rest my case."

"I believe you've made your point." Valern muttered. But he didn't sound quite as stern as he'd been a moment ago Tevos realized; there was a distinctive warble of fear in the elder salarian's voice. She knew what he must be thinking. _If he can do that on a whim, what's stopping him from doing it again?_ Truth be told, she didn't know. Here was a man who could make the galaxy his oyster; so what was he doing tying himself down to her service. There must have been a reason for it. Something he wasn't telling them.

"I suppose its my turn to drop a bomb, then." The blond sighed and rolled his shoulders.

Then he moved again.

There could be no other word for it; before their very eyes his body simply flashed from one point of existence to the other, reappearing on the pedestal below them in an instant. His smile was telling and cruel. _It said I could end you in an instant if wanted to._ Yet he didn't. He straightened himself and clasped both arms behind his back, those mirthful blue eyes freezing like winter skies as he beheld them.

"Which brings me to the real reason I'm here, jokes aside." Almost imperceptibly, his smile shrank with those words. "My dear Councilors...

_...what do you know of Reapers?"_

* * *

><p>Reapers.<p>

A race of sentient machines in dark space. Beings that cleansed not only galaxies, but entire universes every fifty thousand years. It was...a difficult concept to wrap one's mind around. Tevos wouldn't have believed it herself had she not seen into his mind. He'd willingly opened his seemingly immortal mind to her once more; allowing her to see these _creatures_ that had rendered his race extinct. These organic machines that had, in their folly, unknowingly catapaulted him forward in space and time entire centuries before.

Valern and Sparatus hadn't been convinced. They could not see as she had seen, did not know the unshakeable truth she'd witnessed in his mind. Their own were poisoned by doubt and clouded by incredulity; they had no way of wrapping their minds aroundt he concept. Didn't want to. Tevos couldn't blame them.

They brought death not only to planets but in his era/age/universe, whatever the Athane-damned term was, the stars themselves. Entire suns had been extinguished to eliminate his people, nearly a whole galaxy quite coldly oblliterated to destroy the superhuman entities that fought against them. And, according to Naruto, in a few short years they would return. Anywhere else, this story would've gotten him confined in a psych ward in the lower arms. Only her good word had prevented that.

But in the eyes of her fellow councilors, Naruto was now little more than a derranged madman. No one-aside from her-seemed to believe him.

Now, some hours and two skycars later, she and her new bodyguard were stepping back into a newly furnished apartment. Tevos felt her nose cringe as she entered; it stank of antiseptic and freshly soddered durasteel mixed with just a tinge of burned flesh. The Keepers had done a fine job repairing the damage. But no amount of cosmetic changes would make things different.

Try as she might she couldn't forget what had happened here this morning. How it had changed her life. Only this morning she'd lived a completely different world-there was no going back to that now, no matter how much she might want to. Ignorance truly was bliss, as they said. But she was ignorant no longer, and she needed to find a way to do something-anything-about the impending doom creeping closer with each passing day. It was terrible, to know your death was coming, and not be able to do anything about it.

Naruto didn't seem inclined to do anything at the moment; he muttered a string of impreciations her translator couldn't comprehend as he stalked past her and into the kitchen. She followed after him, just in time for a break in the white noise that had so defined his speech. He was preparing himself what looked like a package of dried noodles, moving with quick precision. He kept his back to her as she approached, slouching only an inch when she laid a hand on his armored soldier.

"Talk about a pair of stooges...

"I'm afraid I'm not familiar with human idioms," said Tevos. Frowning, she peered over his shoulder. "Wait. Is that...ramen?"

"I'll never leave home without it. And to answer the first-means they're godamn' idiots." he muttered, jamming the cup into the microwave. Without waiting those neccessary three minutes for it to warm up he stomped back into the den and flopped heavily into a nearby chair, forcing her to follow. "Buncha bosh'tets. I spend all this time preparing, and _again _no one listens to me. I'm beginning to think this galaxy has a deathwish." His bright blue eyes suddenly looked weary. Worn.

"I believe you." she curled into his lap, her dark hand stroking his whiskerd cheek in passing. If he was at all surprised by her forward behavior, he did very little to show it. She just couldn't help herself. He was strange and wild and fascinating. In her mind's eye, she could see what had brought her to him last night. He had a spark, that infallible charisma that made you want to listen to him. Follow him. It certainly helped that he was easy on the eyes she supposed, but it was more than that. She was simply...drawn to him. Him, and this seemingly hopeless cause.

"Well, you're different." his hand absently moved to stroke the small of her back. Tevos shivered.

"Different how?" she arched an eyebrow.

"You're actually using your brain."

A coy smile lighting her lips, she stood and stepped back from him.

"And should I take that as a compliment?"

"Oh, just shut up and kiss me already."

Tevos flew at him with a roar and he toppled backwards in the armchair with a crash, laughing hysterically. She pummelled him with her fists, but she wasn't really used to fighting hand to hand and he caught them as easily as one would a child's hand. She stared into his eyes and finally, cracked a grin.

"I think I will."

Naruto laughed as her fingers began to stroke the back of his neck.

He never did get to have his ramen that night...

**A/N: And there we go. Just what the hell did "this" Naruto do to make himself so infamous in the Mass Effect universe? I suppose that IS rather obvious isn't it but this is what I was asked to write, and it just seemed more natural to go with a flawed, albeit experienced Naruto rather than a greenhorn freshly arriving in the future, ya know? Having him take up a position as Tevos's bodyguard is going to prove much more than it seems down the road, as you'll soon see...he's going to have quite a sway with things...and as for his relationship with the Asari councilor, well that certainly couldn't hurt now could it? ****I can just imagine Naruto and Zaeed as best buddies in this fic lol expect quite a few changes!**

**So...in the immortal words of Atlas and myself...**

**...Would you Kindly Review this Story? **

_**R&R! =D**_


	3. Pranks in the Stars

**A/N: Alright ladies and gentlmen, good news! This story has returned! Bad news: I lost the last two chapters when my house flooded. That's right, I'm starting fresh all over again!**** But nevertheless, despite this pesky little hiccup-I wanted to get word out any way I could, and since for some strange reason the site is being buggy, I wasnt able to work on this anywhere near as much as I would've liked. **

**Still...I'm alive again somehow and still kicking despite that. So...**

**...away we go! And do try not to laugh yourself to death, dear reader. Cheers! Sorry if its short! And beware the breaking of the Fourth Wall! I am...also not pleased about the details that I've been hearing about Mass Effect 4, which is EXACTLY why I've been hitting my Mass Effect fics in a desperate attempt to forget it. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE...**

**Go look them up on youtube and see what I mean.**

_"Moment of truth, Naruto! Who am I? Am I your friend? Your lover? The one shred; one light; one bright, shining star you clung to in this universe? Or am I your guilt? Crushing the out of you because you can't get over the fact that I'm dead? That you feel responsible?! "Who...am...I?! Why do you keep fighting me? Why can't you let go?!"_

_~?_

**Pranks in the Stars**

Several years passed since that steamy, sordid night.

Naruto never left.

Tevos found that the human was actually a man of his word; when it came to guarding-among other things-there was no one better suited to the task. Of course, her fellow councilors disliked the idea of her having an edge on them and hired guards of their own, elite operatives from all over the galaxy but then the strangest thing happened-they kept disappearing. Strange coincidence, that. No matter how many men/women they'd lease, they all vanished less than a week later.

Did Naruto know anything about it? Was he responsible for their mysterious disappearances? Of course not! Perish the thought. That would be _wrong. _And if he just-so-happened to have her ear on certain issues, then who was she to ignore him.

After all, he was a very good bodyguard.

Eventually the investigation into him was simply dropped altogether. Sparatus and Valern simply gave up, accepting that he was here to stay.

Still, it was a happy medium. Naruto kept his more inane "walks" as he called them to a minimum, and in turn she let him have his say on certain issues. A happy medium indeed, one that kept the galaxy's loosest, and quite possibly most dangerous cannon under control.

And then everything changed.

* * *

><p>It's funny, how a single action can set events in motion.<p>

For example, a gun.

And a finger.

Just a simple pull of the trigger, a tiny squeeze, and boom! A round flies. Ordinarily, that wouldn't be too important. But when the bullet makes contact, when it penetrates a skull...well, you can guess at what happens, then, can't you? A life is gone, replaced by a corpse. But's the fun part, isn't it? Life and death, having power over both. A single choice sets events into motion; an unexpected death takes fate and throws it onto a new path altogether.

Such was the case now.

And all because of a stupid bet.

"Hundred thousand says you won't do it." A rough voice drawled, struggling to make itself heard over the pulsating bass of the speakers. "You ain't got the balls." A shot glass slammed itself down mere inches from his hand, nearly shattering from the sheer force behind the landing.

"You're on."

"Ha! And here I thought you didn't have the stomach for executions after what happened to your-

"We're not talking about that." Blue eyes drifted shut, and he found himself lost in a memory.

_"Moment of truth, Naruto! Who am I? Am I your friend?" Bright, angry eyes-not Tevos's eyes!-glowered back at him, sneering blackly, as his ribs shattered into a thousand pieces. "Your lover? The one shred; one light; one bright, shining star you clung to in this universe?" Bones breaking now, snapping. Stop! Hurting! Don't care. "Or am I your guilt? Crushing the out of you because you can't get over the fact that I'm dead?" DYING! Don't care. "That you feel responsible?" Wham! Another blow, his back crushing against the wall, "Who...am...I?! Why do you keep fighting me? Why can't you let go?!"_

_DEATH._

When next they opened, those mirthful blue orbs danced with delight. That's what it was all about in the end, wasn't it? Letting go. It was the reason he'd come here in the first place. The more he lost himself, the less he thought, and the less he thought, the less his past haunted him. Oh sure, he made some less-than-apt decision sometimes, but that's what made it fun!

"Ghosts, again?" Zaeed asked. A milky eye swiveled toward him. "I thought drinking made it better?"

"It does."

Nodding, the blond tipped his glass back, felt the ryncol shred his insides, and stood. By the time he'd found his footing his savaged organs and liver were already healing. By the time he'd reached his target, he'd all but lost his drunken stagger, the brief bout of intoxication drying out and leaving him sober. Almost dangerously so. Three steps later-and one couldn't even smell the alcohol on his breath. His hand snaked out, catching his prey on the shoulder.

"Oi," he drawled, "Saren-kun~!"

Saren Arterius, the longest serving turian member of the Spectres and overall jackass to humans in general, arched a brow as he found himself spun to face the one who had accosted him. Uzumaki Naruto grinned back at him without a care in the world. The same man he himself had once shot over two dozen times over a bad game of poker, now beamed back at him, without a care in the world. He supposed he was mildly impressed by the brute's ability to survive.

"How's your health plan?" he asked bluntly.

Those beady blue eyes blinked.

"My what?"

"C'mon, you mean to tell me you've never heard about TFS. They're classic! Health plan? C'mon, you know the joke."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." A three-clawed hand locked around his wrist, jerking it away. "And you have three seconds to get away from me before I ventilate your skull." For a moment, the blond looked as though he might take the threat seriously-but no, this was Naruto. He seldom took anything seriously unless it involved the safety of his precious asari. Damn Tevos for selling herself out to a hired gun like that, had she no sense of pride?

As if reading that very thought, Naruto laughed and swayed into him.

"Hey now, don't be like that...we each have our secrets. Gotta keep them, ya know?"

"You have two seconds."

"See? You're angry, now. I get that." he drawled, patting the turian's boney crest. "I understand you. But you've gotta chill. Relax. After all..." And with that, the last of Arterius's patience evaporated into thin air. Weary of this insufferable human, he gave him a hard shove and reached for his gun.

"One." Saren's talons curled around the pistol in his belt...

Naruto snatched up his arm, grinning.

No one else heard the rest:

_...whatever would Sovereign say?"_

Knee jerk reaction; the turian drew and shot him point blank in the head.

It was a very good shot, through and through. Very loud. Very bloody, snapping his head back. Amazing. The stubborn fool actually died on his feet. Dimly, he was aware of the round ricocheting, striking some poor girl in the skull and putting her down. Eh, just a human. Didn't matter.

Everything stopped.

"Spectre business!" Saren barked, annoyed by their heated glares, the sudden silence. "Go back to your drinks."

A few actually obeyed.

The rest didn't.

One by one he registered their murderous expressions. Somehow, even without their weapons, they managed to look dangerous. It might've been different if he'd shot a batarian or a krogan, but he'd just accidentally offed a girl; one of Chora's serving girls no less. Oh, this didn't bode well no matter how he looked at it. Fine! If it was a fight they wanted, then it was a fight they'd get-

And then the bastard moved.

"Well, now." The blond suddenly twitched. A hand reached up, fingering the small hole in his skull. Odd. Hadn't it been larger? Now an eye rolled down, a slitted orb observing him with frightening disparity. And then he grinned, exposing pearly white teeth. In the same instant, a pistol rose, clicking against his bony forehead with a loud clack. His executioner cackled.

"APPARENTLY ITS GREAT!"

"WHAT?!"

**BANG!**

Zaeed never quite saw the shot that took Arterius down-a fine piece of little blue ass blocked his view at that exact moment-but he certainly heard it.

So did everyone else.

Naruto stared down at Saren's smoldering corpse, dead from a single shot to the skull. Up close, exploding rounds. His favorite. Blew the little bastard's head right open. Like a watermelon. Also his favorite. Taking the shot had been simplicity itself; wait till the bugger's back wasn't expecting it, laugh, aim, then, fire. Crazy bosh'tet never saw it coming. The screams of the onlookers still rang fresh in his ears, their cries reverberating off Chora's Den in a cacophony of distress and terror, warbling above even the deafening bass of the club.

Wiping the blood from his face, he simply drained his glass and called the bartender for another drink. "Gimme a shot of whiskey. On the rocks, love. Chop, chop! I've got a dinner date at seven." Utterly oblivous to the screaming civilians hastening to escape the crushing confines of the den, he reclaimed his seat at the bar, humming softly.

With trembling fingers, the brunette complied. Poor thing; she was practically hysteric. She'd been standing right next to Saren when the gun went off.

"H-Here..."

"Here, yourself." opening his omni-tool, he happily forwarded her a few hundred credits. "Take the rest of the night off. Now, shoo. Get."

The girl didn't need to be told twice; she got.

That was the thing about being backed by a Citadel Councilor. You could shoot a Spectre and get off almost scott-free. Almost. So long as you had a damned good reason for it. And from what he'd learned about this psycho his actions here today had never been more justified. Oh there would be the dreaded paperwork-bane of his existence!-to fill out later, but it was well worth the reports. And the laughs. Seriously, what kind of self-respecting turian came to bar like this _not _expecting to be shot in the back.

"Never did like that turian bastard." His mentor muttered, nudging the corpse with a booted foot. "Guess I owe you ten hundred creds."

"Nope." Naruto laughed and returned to his seat. Then he raised his cup in a toast. Glasses clinked together merrily, and the two men drank to the traitor's death. "You owe me a hundred thousand. Half for walking right up to him and getting my ass shot; _the rest_ for actually blowing his brains out." Even drunk, he was well capable of doing math were money was concerned. Damn, now he was going to have to pay up after all! Clever little bastard.

...damn your math."

"Math gets me money." the blond crowed, grinning. Now he could go back to waxing nostalgic with his old friend. "So, you were saying something about Tuchanka, old man?"

"Heh."

A smile etched across the merc's stony face, like a small, tiny crack breaking through flint. "So 'ere I was back on Tuchanka, me an' my squad, when this giant thresher...what... in the godamned _hell_ are you doing over there?" The wizened merc paused, baffled as the blond did something to the turian's neck, breaking it expertly in places.

"You'll see..."

* * *

><p>"ARE YOU INSANE?!"<p>

"I'm sorry, "Naruto looked up from his handiwork on the balcony, utterly unapologetic as Tevos stormed in. He continued to work Saren's jaw on the stick, "All I heard was blah, blah, blah, Naruto, blah. Seriously though I mean, how pissed are they at me? I could hear the shouting from here. Did they throw things? I hope they threw things."

The councilor exhaled heavily, willing her frustration to leave her, to be calm. It didn't work. Not even remotely.

"Are you familiar with the human city of Hiroshima?" she asked.

"Vaguely."

"Think that. On a planetary scale."

"Oh." That actually got a bit of a grimace out of him "But, hey! Bugger shot me, first!" he waved his new instrument about for emphasis, jaw flapping like some inane puppet. Perhaps that was his intended point. "So I took the little bastard's head-shoved it on a pike-and made a puppet out of it. Pretty, neat, huh? Fear me, for I am the vanguard of your destruction! Mwahahahaha!" He quietly left out the fact that Zaeed had put him up to it in the first place...

...even he knew that wouldn't end well if Tevos found out.

"That'd be funny, if I wasn't the only one who believed your Reaper story."

"Erm...I am the vanguard of turian destruction?" he tried, working the jaw loosely. "Waka, waka, waka!" She reminded Naruto telling her about a human game called pac-man and for a moment she could almost see the resemblance between the disembodied head and the little yellow creature that devoured the dots. Just looking at it almost made her smile.

_Gah!_

Tevos narrowly stifled a snort. No! Focus! Angry!

This.

This was exactly why she didn't let him go on his "walks" unsupervised.

Only last week he'd painted the Destiny Ascension orange and replaced its fuel with gallons upon gallons of ramen. By contrasts, his actions here today made that prank look tame in comparison. Dozens of witnesses did in fact claim that the Specter had shot first, but Valern and Sparatus were still livid. They wanted blood. He'd gone too far this time they claimed, killing a Specter. They were perfectly willing to ignore who had shot first, after all, Saren had always been their favorie.

Now their favorite's head was currently leaking all over the placeand making a royal mess on her floor.

She didn't even know where he'd gotten the damn thing.

"Think of this way, less paperwork! You won't have to clean up after him anymore! And he had so much data on him; easy to hack into!" He type a few buttons into his omni-tool as she looked on, baffled. "See? Have a gander! I think this should help our case...substantially."

"What could possibly be so...so...so...

He showed her, and her eyes bulged.

Tevos sighed. "I don't know whether to kill you, or kiss you."

Her bodyguard chirruped happily.

_"Kisses, please!"_

**A/N: And there we go. Just what the hell did "this" Naruto do to make himself so infamous in the Mass Effect universe? I suppose that IS rather obvious isn't it but this is what I was asked to write, and it just seemed more natural to go with a flawed, albeit experienced Naruto rather than a greenhorn freshly arriving in the future, ya know? Having him take up a position as Tevos's bodyguard is going to prove much more than it seems down the road, as you'll soon see...he's going to have quite a sway with things...and as for his relationship with the Asari councilor, well that certainly couldn't hurt now could it? ****I can just imagine Naruto and Zaeed as best buddies in this fic lol expect quite a few changes!**

**So...in the immortal words of Atlas and myelf...**

**...Would you Kindly Review this Story? And of course, enjoy the preview! Major MADNESS coming up! Don't believe me? SEE FOR YOURSELVES! Remember, I'm purging fics here folks, and your reviews help me decide which ones to keep, ya know!**

**(Preview)**

_"Oops?"_

_Tevos felt her scalp began to itch, a sure sign that a migraine was coming on. Part of her wanted to slap him with a singularity and be done with it; but she knew she couldn't do that. One, the bastard would just regrow whatever she tore off, and two, that was likely to make him horny. Which in turn would make her horny, and then they wouldn't be able to get anything done for the next three days._

_She had the strangest tastes in bodyguards, didn't she?_

_Currently, she was trying to figure out why Naruto was busy screwing Aria T'loak, of all people, in the Citadel, atop a mountain of dead bodies that looked deceptively like most of C-sec. She recognized some of the men and women in that heap, and others she did not. It was a pile of cops, murderers thieves, and other miscreants, but still..._

_In._

_Her!_

_OFFICE!_

_"What did you do?"_

_"Okay," he began slowly, climbing down of the pile. "But you can't be angry at me."_

_"What. Did. You. Do?"_

_"Okay, first... I was minding my own business-_

_"BULLSHIT!"_

_"But I was!"_

_**Be sure to stay tuned! Plenty of future udpates coming shortly! R&R! =D**_


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